Monthly Archives: August 2016

September’s Hot Topic – Developing Lasting Confidence

Picture courtesy of Shutterstock

Picture courtesy of Shutterstock

 

In next month’s hot topic titled ‘Living Out Loud – How to Develop Lasting Confidence’ we take an in-depth look into how to develop lasting confidence. Discover the difference between self-esteem, confidence and arrogance and learn easy practical ways to develop into a more confident you!

 

Soulmates: Why They’re Worth It

If Disney is anything to go by once you’ve found your soul mate you walk into the sunset and live happily ever after. Sadly, this version of soul mates really is the stuff of fiction. Whilst finding your soul mate is beyond wonderful real life tough times still happen and inevitably conflict will occur. The fundamental difference is that when you are with your soul mate and these tough times hit, you both have an unshakable resolve to work through any difficulty – you both are committed to making things work, no matter what.

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Romance central; How to cultivate healthy intimate relationships and get the most out of your love life Part Five

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Last week we examined the healthy relationship model and looked at several healthy relationship behaviors. This week we continue in exploring more healthy behaviors.

 

Valuing your partner and expressing this – often (brownie points game)

 

Showing your partner you value their efforts and them as a person is really important. It reinforces to them what behavior you appreciate the most, makes them feel validated and confirms that they are cherished by you – all essential ingredients to any thriving relationship.

 

I created something called the brownie points game to better vocalize how much my partner and I value one another. I’ve mentioned it before in my life audit series but as it’s so relevant have included an excerpt below just in case you wanted to try the game out for yourself.

 

The brownie points dating game… (for those who are actively dating)

 

I’ve recently invented something called the brownie points game. It’s a really good way of injecting fun and romance into any relationship. The rules are simple. Whenever your partner does something sweet, thoughtful, kind or romantic you score them, giving them brownie points and vice versa.

For every one hundred brownie points I earn, my dating partner gives me a romantic surprise, which could be a meal or even theater tickets. Alternatively my partner may create what I call ‘top tier’ rewards, whereby the reward is revealed in advance (these are usually big ticket items, like buying a bike and teaching me how to ride one, taking me to a super nice restaurant or even Secret Cinema tickets) so as to incentivize me to work towards the prize!

The amazing thing about this game is it eradicates the typical dating games of playing hard to get and instead replaces it with romantic gestures and traditional courtship. Even more than this it encourages appreciation for your partners efforts whilst showing them what type of affection you value most.

 

Being affectionate – often

 

This is often forgotten in the later stages of a relationship but I think it is so essential to remain affectionate towards one another. Just a hug, taking their hand in yours or a little peck on the cheek communicates your love in a way that only physical affection can.

 

Forgiving openly and freely

 

Forgiving openly and freely is a prerequisite of any healthy romantic relationship.

 

Unfortunately there are many misconceptions about forgiveness, some of these are:

 

  • Forgiving means totally forgetting – you needn’t forget completely as it might be wise to remember what situations your partner may be inclined to behave poorly and avoid them but equally you shouldn’t harbor resentment or bring it up once you have forgiven.

 

  • Forgiving means reconciling – it is totally possible to both forgive and walk away from the relationship.

 

Unless your partner is a repeat offender and continuously cheats on you or does something equally horrid, I do believe that it is important to rebuild trust to the level it was prior to the incident.

 

For more on forgiveness please read my article titled ‘How to liberate yourself by overcoming the three blocks to forgiveness’.

 

There are several ways you can rebuild trust, these being:

 

  1. Encourage your partner to be honest but do not seek an in-depth account of what happened as this can deepen hurt

 

  1. Seek to understand the reasons for the incident without blame and identify, what, if any, part you had to play

 

  1. Examine together how you can change the existing conditions which lead to the incident happening in the first place

 

  1. Discuss and make it understood what would happen on both sides should the incident occur again, being careful to not place blame but rather create a healthy, mutually understood boundary

 

  1. Make a promise to be diplomatically honest with one another from now on (honest but equally sensitive to the others feelings in your wording and delivery) and keep to this promise

 

  1. Once the situation is dealt with and the underlying reasons for the hurt addressed, make a promise to one another not to bring it up casually or in conflict again

 

Accepting the flaws of your partner and never trying to change them

 

No one is perfect, everyone but everyone has flaws. Habits and irritating personality traits, we all have them. One of the reasons romantic relationships can be so fulfilling is the intimacy they offer us. In order to gain intimacy we must share all of who we are to our partner, even our flaws. As I’m sure you are aware this takes great courage as we all fear rejection on some level.

 

When you accept the flaws of your partner and never try to change them, you are accepting them wholeheartedly. This doesn’t equate to accepting a serial cheater or a chronic alcoholic for a partner – I am strictly talking harmless habits and personality traits.

 

By accepting your partner in this way you will greatly deepen the love, trust, intimacy and respect you share and your relationship will thrive as a result.

 

Laughing and finding the comedy in tough times

 

To be able to laugh and find the comedy in tough times is not only cathartic but essential for any healthy intimate relationship. Seek to laugh at the absurdity and desperateness of situations and you will have found a way to avoid conflict, regain perspective, release tension and bond with your partner.

 

In an ideal world we would avoid all of the negative behaviors and exhibit all of the positive behaviors all of the time, but alas, not everyone is perfect, as we have already discussed in this series.

 

This doesn’t give us free reign to do what we like and simply shrug ‘I’m only human’ but it does give us permission to accept when we falter, admitting our hurtful behavior to our partner, explaining why we messed up without placing blame and earnestly communicating to them how we will rectify the situation, making the relationship the healthiest it can be.

 

In today’s modern world where the media presents us with fairytales on a daily basis, I would encourage you to ponder what true love looks like for you. I don’t subscribe to the notion of the charming prince saving me anymore, I have long since learnt that I needed to do that for myself in advance of getting involved with anyone.

 

To me true love develops when a partnership is formed based on honesty, trust, vulnerability, respect, acceptance, thoughtfulness and consideration. Whilst life can make us cynical that true love is the thing of fairytales I would disagree – I believe that true love is much more magical than the movies!

 

Are you affectionate? Do you forgive easily? What does true love mean for you?  Please share your thoughts in the comments below to gain encouragement, support and insight from our community, we’d love to hear from you.

 

Further resources:

 

‘The relationship skills workbook: A do-it-yourself guide to a thriving relationship’ by Julia B Colwell, Ph. D.  An ideal book for you or – even better – both of you!

 

‘Safe People: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren’t’ by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend

 

Why the notion of wrong and right can kill relationships

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and inside your head thought ‘but your so wrong’? I have. It’s one of the most natural reactions when in conflict with a partner. Over the years and especially since my assertiveness training I’ve tried to change my perspective to understand that there is very rarely one person who is wrong and one person who is right – rather there are just different opinions. I stumble sometimes but seeing things from this perspective has really helped me. After all, unless something is backed up by scientific fact, aren’t opinions invariably all we have?

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How to ensure you don’t lose yourself in a relationship

Wow, I have ample experience of this one! When dating someone who is possessive and controlling or even when in a perfectly happy and healthy relationship it can be easy to adopt your partners way of thinking, behaving and even possibly feeling. In the honeymoon stages this can be natural as you are on your best behaviour and want to impress. Let me be clear though, this article doesn’t relate to the honeymoon stage – what I am referring to here is later on down the line when the rose tinted glasses are off and you are in a fully fledged relationship.

 

What I am speaking about is when your partner expresses a different opinion to you and you don’t vocalize your differing opinion, or when you agree to let your partner dictate what you do and when you do it. It might seem harmless enough but it is a slippery slope that can make you feel lost inside over time.

 

Here are my top tips for not losing yourself in your romantic relationship:

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Why spending time apart can be a good thing

Far from being a sign of a weak relationship, spending a healthy amount of time apart can actually be a really good thing. As the healthy relationship model in the series posts highlighted, the healthiest relationships are actually those where each partner has half of their life inside the relationship (or rather spent together) and half outside of the relationship (or spent apart).

 

Spending time outside of the relationship can be invaluable, it teaches us not to take our partner for granted, to value quality time, it allows us to share experiences outside of the relationship in conversations with one another and it allows us to retain our individuality and independence whilst not undermining each partners healthy level of dependence on one another.

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Why showing appreciation is key – positive exchanges vrs negative exchanges

Research has long since shown that the most successful long term romantic relationships have, on average, five positive exchanges for every one negative exchange. It has literally been proven that those relationships where the negative exchanges are greater than one to every five positives are more than likely to dissolve quicker.

 

 

I remember when I first read this research. I was in a relationship with my ex at the time and we must have had 20 negative exchanges for every one positive! Although that definitely wasn’t the right relationship for me, perfectly happy couples can easily get into a rut of mentioning the negative and ignoring the positives. So if you want to ensure a longstanding intimate relationship make sure to compliment your partner and show appreciation for them, their contribution to the relationship and the thoughtful or kind things they do as often as possible.

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Romance In Action: Re-read your lists

Take five minutes to re-read your list of the reasons why you want to improve your current or future relationships to motivate and inspire you to continue in this journey. Then put on some relaxing or uplifting music and visualize your dream relationship with your dream man! If you have a dream board consider placing your ‘shopping list and ideal dynamic’ on there (written from the exercises we did earlier this month).

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Romance In Action: List the healthy relationship behaviors covered in Mondays series post that you don’t often do

Today is the exciting bit! Take five minutes to write down the healthy relationship behaviors covered in Mondays series post that you don’t often do and write down an idea for each as to how you can better adopt these behaviors in future. For example, could you show your appreciation by words of affirmation to your partner more?

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Romance central; How to cultivate healthy intimate relationships and get the most out of your love life Part Four

Picture Courtesy of Shutterstock

 

Last week we finished looking at the unhealthy relationship behaviors, this week we begin exploring how to cultivate healthy relationships.

 

How to cultivate healthy relationships

 

Cultivating a healthy relationship is not complex but it does take effort and ideally commitment from both partners to want to actively work on the relationship. This isn’t to say that by adopting these behaviors yourself you can’t improve things, but rather that for the best results both partners should be willing to work together – with shared responsibility – for making the relationship the healthiest it can be.

 

Health Relationship Model

Unsurprisingly the healthy relationship model is very balanced, with equal times spend both together and apart. This works to promote a sense of identity and independence outside of the relationship whilst the shared contact encourages inter-connectedness and provides sufficient emotional and mental support to the other.

 

Healthy relationship behaviors

 

The good news is that there are also many relationship behaviors that we can adopt to foster a more healthy, happy and balanced relationship.

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